20? I’d quite like my teenage years back, please.

I turn 20 today, and that’s a pretty terrifying prospect for me. I’ve enjoyed my teen years a lot, and it’s strange to think that I’ll never get them back – regardless of how childish my behaviour might be. I’m not one for sentimentality, but I’d like to mark the end of teen-hood by ironing out a few common misconceptions about teenagers.

1. “All teenagers carry knives!”
WRONG. In fact, I know several people who don’t even carry a knife at night! Most of my friends only wear small knives, nothing to be scared of. Not ALL teenagers are cool enough to be in a turtle gang…

2. “Teenagers don’t have real feelings.”
Pur-lease! When a 14 year-old boy pronounces his unwavering love for his girlfriend of 2 weeks, don’t doubt the guy. He’s travelled the seven seas looking for the perfect gal, so to suggest that his relationship won’t withstand the test of time would be to scorn Cupid himself. Teenagers have 5-year plans these days.

3. “All teenagers do is play video games.”
This is definitely not true. Teenagers spend at least 30% more time than the average adult in bed. This is an incredible attestation to the “play hard, rest hard” approach to life that the majority of teenagers adopt. Inspirational.

4. “Today’s youth are so unimaginative, when I was a boy/girl…”
This statement is normally followed by a long, dreary tale of how Old Person X and Old Person Y would invent all sorts of games and would take long walks in the countryside. Bully for you! If you’d ever played Fifa or Mario Kart, you wouldn’t need to invent any other game..!

5. “Today’s teenagers haven’t mastered the English language…”
I will literally kill the next person who tries to convince me of this!

There are plenty of other misconceptions out there that I’d love to correct, but I need to go sharpen my knives before bed. It’s been a fun 8 years for me, but I’m now looking forward to what’s ahead. In 2 years time I’ll have finished with University; in 5 years time I’ll be in full-time employment with a house of my own. Well, that’s my 5-year plan anyway!



“Head up, Sonny!”

This is a video my friend showed me of a slightly dopey woman who walked into an indoor pool in a shopping mall whilst texting on her “cell phone.” And I thought women drivers were bad…


“Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.” – Proverbs 4:25

It’s easy to laugh when a camera captures someone doing something so half-witted as this, but if we were to be honest with ourselves we’d all admit that we’ve made mistakes and taken tumbles in the past that we were thankful to not have been witnessed by the masses. I’ve definitely had several “You’ve Been Framed” moments over the years – cycling off a bridge probably being my finest!

More often than not there’s another part to the equation – a distraction. In the case of this video, the distraction is the lady’s mobile phone. In the case of my cycling accident, it was my brother pointing out something on my bike which I felt compelled to glance at [because it clearly can’t have been my fault]. The point is, these “accidents” are easily avoided by keeping our heads up and our eyes on the path ahead of us. It’s all too easy to become so focused on one thing that everything and everyone around us takes a back seat. Even a woman driver is better than a back seat driver!

So my motto for 2011 is going to be “Head up, Sonny!” What exactly do I mean by this? I mean that I want to keep looking to what lies ahead, and use the present to pave a strong path for the future – preferably one that doesn’t have a pool slapped in the middle of it. I don’t want to miss out on the big, exciting things in life because I focus too much on things that might appear to have significance of an immediate nature. As Proverbs 4:25 suggests, I will keep my eyes on the path ahead!

If anyone sees me walking along with my head down and my feet dragging, I permit them to push me into the road as an act of “Head up, Sonny!”


Happiness is just around the corner

Q: Why didn’t the burglar break into the kitchen store?

A: Because he didn’t want to take the “whisk.”

Q: What did Russell Crowe say when a lion ate his wife?

A: “I’m glad-he-ate-her!”

Q: What’s a carpet’s favourite sport?

A: Rugby

Q: Why did the sailor love his job on a boat so much?

A: Because it rocked!

If you laughed at any of these jokes, then you are either very easily entertained or you misread them. Or both.

Basically, so-called “Jonny” jokes are renowned for their, well, poor deliverance and severe lack of wit. See, people groaning and rolling eyes at my jokes is commonplace. The frequency at which I attempt to amuse my peers is growing worryingly tiresome, and the simplicity of my means is second only to Frankie Boyle, the predictable Scottish comedian who deems racism and swearing to be integral aspects to humour. In his lifetime, Frankie has insulted Asians, Christians, pregnant ladies, the elderly, the Scottish, Jews…in fact, it seems the only person he hasn’t resorted to insulting yet is himself. Frankie’s gun-ho, “take no prisoners” attitude is the product of much self-promotion and a hugely inflated ego. But is this really the best way to make people laugh?

Let’s look at Milton Jones. When this bloke steps up to the mic on the TV comedy panel show “Mock the Week,” the studio audience makes sure to keep reserves of air locked away in their lungs in anticipation of the gut-busting one-liners that Milton delivers with such composure and severity. There is laughter rippling through the room before Milton has even delivered his punchline. Check out this brilliant clip.


It’s not just Milton who’s leading the one-liner assault on British comedy. Tim Vine (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPaZfeAYUyk) is another fine funnyman with an exciting future ahead of him. My point is that humour needn’t be rude nor blunt to be effective – in fact, it rarely is. The best comedians are those who take words and squeeze every possible meaning out of them in order to twist their meaning. They’re the ones who have the ability to milk the comedy cow just enough to fill the laughter bottle – not too much that it overflows, but similarly enough to make the public crave more of the same. No sour milk that leaves a bitter aftertaste of racism or discrimination. Warm, creamy milk that kids can dip cookies in at playtime with no second thought. 


PS: Apologies for the poor quality of humour on display at the beginning of this post. Udderly ridiculous.